3. Hot Tub Time Machine

Looking for a good laugh? Want to have a good time with your friends and step up to a new level of comedy? Want to be able to go to church on Sunday and not feel like youre on fire? OK then watch a movie other than Hot Tub Time Machine.
         Here's the thing. Is it funny? Gosh Darn yes. Is it full of new age comedic genius mixed well with Whats-his-name from the 80s movies? Uh huh. But.... it also abandons any moral guideline that a civilized comedy should follow. Rob Courdry curses like a Southern republican father who just slammed his finger in a car door. Its funny, but the funniness hang over you get doesnt sit well with you at church.
      The plot, yes, the plot. OK so Rob, and the black guy from the Office, and the kid who is friends with Michael Cera and John whats-his-name all are alive and they are living and its present day and they hate everything about their lives and who they are and they all suck one way or another. So one of them tries to off himself and they all decide at that point that a vacation is in store. So they head off to their old high school stomping grounds where they raged in the 80s, a ski resort in....... the mountains. And the place is a dump which is a surprise because it was once the place to be if you were AIDS free and straight in the 80s. They get a room anyways (from a one armed Marty McFly) and sit in the Hot Tub. Then they party, spill radio active Moster Energy Drink in the tub and go back in time. They are young and free again! And so they hook up with people while at the same time trying to relive the exact events they previously did so a not to cause the butterfly thing that will kill the president. And mayhem ensues. Love happens. Fights happen. There is a third Red Scare. And all in all John whats-his-name falls in love and Rob Courdry loves it there and the black guy yells at his 7 year old wife. They go back to present day and the butterfly makes Motley Crue disappear and Google is owned by Rob. Everything in between is your typical irreverent over-the-top, we dont care about being gross or immature, kind of comedy.

MORAL: Dont be a screw up. If you screw up you'll end up like these guys except Chevy Chase wont be there to send you back in time and fix it all. Say your prayers and eat your vegetables. Life is to short to spend it on weekend getaways to the mountain for 80s style raves and illegitimate children. Also, dont ever drink Energy Drinks. That crap'll mess you up.

2. Splice

OK. So. Adrien Brody and some girl decide they are scientists and that they can make life and so they do. And so they make these snot loogie babies that slime around in glass jars. But that isnt enough for these two rogue scientists. They decide to inject their own DNA into a dish full of new living things and it takes! I think they do this because they both want to have a baby together but dont get excited about having one the conventional way. Anways this new baby lizard hatches and scurries around the lab and thy catch it then put a diaper on it and convince themselves it is cute. And they raise it and have tea parties with it. Then they have to sneak it out of the lab and they take it to a barn in the middle of.... Serbia I think. It turns out to be a girl and she has the body of a model and wants her dad slash creator Adrien Brody. Yeah I know right! Lets delve a little.

This alien creature has the DNA of Adrien Brody's lover. So Adrien Brody's lover is the mother of this alien lizard bat creature baby. This baby wants to get with Adrien Brody. So in a way she wants to get with her Dad. So Adrien resists a little bit but one day he is in a bad mood and gives in. So he is doing all the bad stuff with his alien lizard offspring and what happens? Of course his girlfriend and the mother of this thing walks in! Boom! Caught red handed!

So they talk it out the next day and realize that, you know, its not anyones fault what happened! It was just a little slip up. So everything is good. Oh wait no its not because the lizard girl is a dude! With wings and stuff! So she.... he...... he/she goes flying around Chechnya and eventually decides that her... his parents need to go. So he finds them in the woods and kills them. Or makes a baby with them? Either way they really set you up for what looks to be an equally wonderful Splice sequel.

MORAL: If you're going to be a scientist, dont make a baby with your own baby lizard. That thing will kill you and you know it. Just make a real baby. But not until youre married.

1. The Killer Inside Me

Available at any local Red Box location, this movie seems mildly interesting when judging by the front cover. The cast boasts Oscar nominees left and right with Casey Affleck and Kate Hudson, and Jessica Alba too. What looks like your average middle-of-the-19th-century murder mystery turns out to be so much more. Or less. This movie can be described as senseless and grotesque at best. Here is the plot: Casey Affleck is a sheriff, or a deputy, or a guy in a uniform. Hooker Jessica Alba living at the edge of town must be evicted. Casey goes to give her the boot. She fights, he hits her. She loves it, they go to town on each other. He doesnt eveict her and continues to visit the young ladywhore for who knows how long. Now here is the thing. They show it. They show all of it. And we're only ten-fifteen minutes in! Then he decides ( Im assuming because he is married) that the hooker must die. Does he shoot her? No, why would he? He punches her to death of course. And the key here again..... they show it. All of it. Then the rest of the movie is Caseys obsession with beating his own wife and lying and killing, killing and lying, and this goes on and on ( as they show all of it ) until the movie just..... ends. And you know how your friends will tease you about a movie and say that everybody dies at the end. Well in this case its true. They all die. Every. Single. Person.

Moral: Dont see this movie unless you want to wonder for the rest of your life if you'll every be worthy to do anything Mormon ever again.